Dear "Ask The Holy Orc Church"... I'm a 49 year old mother with a 19 year old daughter who still lives at home. My daughter has good friends, is getting high grades in college, attends church and dates nice boys. Recently, while my daughter was out, I logged onto her computer to make a map because mine was broken. I meant to click on the "print" icon, but accidentally clicked on my daughter's online "history" icon. I discovered that she has been visiting homosexual porn sites! She has never shown interest in that sort of thing before. And, as I said, she dates boys - not girls! Could my daughter be turning gay? Should I confront her with what I found on her computer? Would it be a good idea for us to talk with our priest about it?
I don't have anything against homosexuals, but I want my daughter to have a good life with children of her own someday. What should I do?
Sincerely,
- Concerned Mother
Dear Holy Orc Church panel -
I'm a 30 year old man with a 20 year old sister. Last month our father passed away. His last will in testament designated my sister as the executor of his estate which consists of $100,000.00 in liquidated assets, a $80,000.00 home (tax assessment value)* and a $30,000.00 Car. My sister has decided to move herself into the home and has taken ownership of the car too. That leaves me with just a check for $100,000.00 ...
*I believe the tax assessment value of the home is very low; I'd be surprised if the home would sell for less then $120,000.00 on the open market. She has also taken possession of all the furnishings inside the home, which I estimate would sell for at least 10,000.00!
Under the terms of the will and as executor of our father's estate, my sister can do whatever she wants and I have no legal recourse. How do I tactfully ask my sister to be more equitable? Can you give me some advice for dealing with this type of problem?
Thank you in advance,
- My Sister's Brother
Dear members of the "Ask The Orcs" panel,
Two months ago my little sister (she is 18) came home from collage and announced that she was engaged to an "older gentleman" (32 years older!). My family was not thrilled with the age difference, but we decided we should at least give him a chance. Three weeks ago we had the opportunity to meet my sister's fianc�. Turns out that he is a compleat slime-ball! So concerned were my parents that they hired a private detective to do a background check on him. He has been married twice before, is unemployed (lives off a small military pension), has been arrested 4 times for domestic abuse and once for statutory rape, has two children who he has not seen in 10 years, has over $24,000.00 in credit card debt.... the list goes on and on! Both my parents and I have tried talking with my sister about this, but she just accused us of lying! Despite our pleads, she insists on marrying this looser! My parents have refused to pay for the wedding. They have also threatened to stop paying for her college education. But what ever we say - it just seems to make her want to marry him that much more! What can I do to keep my sister from ruining her life?!? Help!!!
Thank you in advance,
- Big Sister
Dear, A.T.O. panel:
I'm a sophomore attending collage 1@uk. UCLA. My roommate's b/f is in the habit of not putting the toilet seat back down after using our bathroom. I've confronted my roommate about this twice, but her b/f keeps leaving the seat up! Should I talk to him myself? Perhaps I should point out that he does not pay the rent - we do. What do u recommend?
Thanks,
- Sophomore
Dear "Ask The Orcs":
Last night I was unloading my groceries and I found a bag that wasn't mine. I checked my receipt to make sure I wasn't actually charged for the stuff, and I wasn't. Furthermore everything I did buy was there. I was tired and not in any mood to go back to the store. Now this bag of food is sitting on my kitchen counter. My questions are, do I return the bag? Throw it away? Donate the stuff to Goodwill? Post fliers around town? LOL. And also, have any of you ever found yourself in a situation like I am in now with a bag of groceries not your own?
Thank you for your thoughts,
- Bag Hag
Dear Orcs,
I'm a 32 years old and have been in a steady relationship with the same woman for the last 3 years. Recently she has asked me if I'd like to move into her place. I love her, but I'm not sure that I'm ready. I know that moving in with someone is not the same as marriage, but it's still kind of a big step. I do enjoy spending time with her - but I might enjoy spending time with someone else. Sex with her is good - but it might be good with someone else. How do I know if moving in with her is the right decision?
Sincerely,
- Mr. X
Dear "Ask Da Orcs" -
I'm a 22 year old human female who is definitely not a virgin. I have a new boyfriend who lost his virginity to me, but I did not know that he was a virgin until afterwards. Upon learning of his inexperience, I decided it was time to slow things down before our relationship went straight into the crapper. He's a 25 year old Catholic, and the fact he came to that age as a virgin with the kind of personality he has (super hot, incredibly strong in character and faith) and knowing that a lot of girls have probably tried barking up that delightfully entertaining tree with no luck, makes me feel all sweet and lovey inside.
I'm thinking it's time to do something about it all. How do I go about saying "no" without rejecting him? And yes, he does feel rejected-not an act, he's too inexperienced to play like that. I know, I know - it should be as easy as "Nope, don't think so." but every time I start the conversation the bugger figures out some ultra logical explanation why we shouldn't start taking things a little slower that I haven't a snowballs chance in debunking. My only defense has been something like: "Nope. I can't go into that room and have wild monkey sex with you because I need to watch some paint dry to ensure quality coverage. Didn't you know? Mind-numbing stuff like that turns me on Bay-Beeee." Ranting like that makes me feel dumb.
I'm still holding out, but my defenses are weakening. Please help!
Thanks for your time,
- Willing and Running in Los Angeles
Dear Ask The Orcs,
I'm a 16 year old, human male.
My friends often say to me that my girlfriend is taking too much of my time. Like just this week, I had hung out with her everyday until Friday, when I wanted to hang with my friends. When I told her this she seemed upset and saddened that I wasn't going to be with her. When just my girlfriend and I hang out - we normally watch the Television or talk about problems, etc... Nothing that I really enjoy, though sometimes it's OK. When It's me and my friends - we just play video games and such. But when I hang with both my friends and my girlfriend at the same time - they are more or less disturbed, one of my friends can't even handle it when I put my arm around her. My girlfriend and my friends are pretty OK with each other, but I don't think they'd hang out together without me... Should I sacrifice my personal time or talk to her about this? Also, if I should talk to her, what do I say?
Thanks,
Troubled and time-stricken guy.
Dear A.D.O,
I'm a 11 year old girl and I'm almost in 6th grade. My friend, or maybe my not-so-friend, Hannah, is being a bitch to me. Every day she calls me a retard, hits me and pulls my hair. She also laughs whenever someone gets hurt. The other day, I was riding my friend's horse and I fell off. My head was bleeding and I thought I was going to die. My friends took me to Hannah's house and when her stepdad asked what happened - Hannah said "She hurt herself! Hahahaha!" Later I heard Hannah whisper to my other friend, "Let's do that again, but this time she won't ride the horse, she'll just fall off. She's so stupid! How can you fall off a horse?! Hahahaha!"
Soooo yeh.... My mom of course doesn't help at all and my friends don't get it.
PLEASE help,
- Sad
Dear Ask Da Orcs,
I'm a 21 year old who has a complete and utter moron for a younger sibling. We both still live in our mom's house. The reason I still live at home is because it's mere minutes away from my university and I am saving to travel overseas. The reason my brother still lives at home is because he's a big baby. When he didn't want to go to boarding school, our parents sold there house and my mother moved countries just to make his life easier, giving up all her friends and ruining her marriage. He is selfish, greedy, impolite, spiteful, petty, impatient, narrow-minded and takes the sacrifices our parents have made for him completely for granted, has never had a job and hasn't even taken his driving test at 18. He speaks about me with utter disrespect to his friends, and does many loserish things like look up hentai, steal money from our mother's wallet, and will lie about anything to get his way.
The point of this rant is that when I speak to most people about these problems I have with him, their incapable of thinking for themselves and they give me some brainwashed nonsense about unconditional love and blood is thicker than water yada yada yada. Surely, if you can see someone for the horrible person that they are, you have every right to dislike somebody? Is every case so black and white when it comes to family? I think that everyone has to earn respect. Should people who are related to you by blood be able to escape this? People say that you should love your family because you can always count on them to stick by you... I think that its a bullshit reason - that's just how people cover there arse when they are down on there luck. While I can think of many reasons to have this love and respect for my parents and distant relatives, I see no reason to have these feelings towards my brother.
While I'm sure you Greenies won't agree, a wise person said that true compassion is showing concern and love for others regardless of there actions and feelings towards you. I'll bet he doesn't live next to this jackass. I know, I sound melodramatic, but I think its in my interest to get an unbiased opinion from someone who's primary concern isn't just to keep the peace.
Love your site fellas,
- Big Bro
Dear ATO,
I'm a 16 year old human female with a problem - It seems like the only guys who ask me out are jerks and losers. For example, there is a cute guy in my English class who I like a lot. But ether he's too shy to talk to me or he is not interested. Meanwhile, In that same class, there is an obnoxious tard who keeps asking me out every few days - I keep telling him that I'm busy, but he keeps asking me out anyway. OMG! Some guys can't take a F-ing hint! How do I attract the cute guys and repel the losers at the same time????
Sincerely,
'Jerk Magnet'
P.S. - I'd like my questions to be answered by the two girl orcs only please (Shaftfut and Gunkatuk). The four male orcs always seem to give bad advice. Gob'Wuxbux and Gix are always gross and mean. Pizpoploop is a snooty know-it-all. And Groptoph is just plain crazy.
Dear Orcs,
I am a human female with a marital problem. I am 22, a recovering alcholic with 2.5 years sobriety, and a covert to Islam. My husband is 39, born Muslim from Algeria, and on the strict side when it comes to marriage.
Here is my problem: My husband stopped by the AA (alcholics anonymous) Club last night and found me playing Scrabble with my dear friend Susan and two other males. He had never visited before, as he is not comfortable going there. He was very nice and polite to my friends. Later that night, when I came home, he refused to speak to me. It has been two days and he is very cold and won't speak to me. I need fellowship and friends in AA, or else my sobriety might suffer (then I won't have anything if that should happen) - regardless of their sex. This is America, it is acceptable to play Scrabble with members of the opposite sex as long as your intentions are clear. I am a very honorable human who has zero ability to be dishonorable to her husband. I am sad that he feels angry about this. I feel that I need to defend myself, but I have done nothing wrong. What to do, dear Orcs?
Sincerely,
Losing Serenity
Dear Ask The Orcs,
I'm a 17 year old, human male who is having girl trouble. Basically, there is this girl, which I'm totally, madly in love with. I could just say that she totally ignores me, and that I'm a big, sad geek and leave at that, but it's more complicated than that.
She is in my Classics lessons, and I get on fine with her. In fact, I get on great with her, and I suspect she may have a bit of a thing for me as well. In any case, I haven't got her number or any other way of contacting her, as I'm wayyy too shy to ask. She is always either surrounded by this big, protective bubble of her friends, or in the lesson. So.....
Remember that I said I keep getting signals from her? Well, she doesn't seem to act on it, and always disappears off to somewhere, and I'm too much of a coward to chase after her. Until today, where in a big pointless chase to try to talk to her, I, well, failed in that respect. Man, I felt like such a stalker, specially when I finally found her with some of her friends, and just stood there, pearlized with apprehension.
Please help. I'm slowly losing my sanity.
- "Shy Guy"
Dear Ask Da Orcs -
Do any of you smoke? I've been a smoker since I was 17. I'm now 28. Recently my wife of 5 years finally became pregnant with our first child (we have been trying for over a year). She is now in her 5th month. 2 weeks ago, out of nowhere, she asks/orders/demands that I quit smoking! What the fuck?!? At first she said it was because she was worried about 2nd-hand smoke hurting the baby. So we asked our Doctor. He said that 2nd hand smoke is NOT dangerous to the baby. So then my wife started saying that the smell was bothering her! It never bothered her before. Now she wants me to smoke outside. When I refused - she started with the waterworks. So now I can't smoke inside my own home! She knew that I was a smoker when we were married - why does she need to wait until now to make a big fucking hairy deal about it!? Now she says i need to quit altogether because she can still smell the smoke on my cloths and hair. She also says that if I quit smoking that I'll live longer - but is that really so great? If I die at age 75 rather then at 90 - that is a good thing because I'm likely to be miserable old man for those last 15 years anyway. Am I right? Who wants to live to be 90?! I am a grown man - if I want to smoke, it should be my decision. Right?
- DigitalDave
Dear Ask The Orcs,
I'm a human female who will be going to a wedding soon and I want to know how long I must stay at the reception? I hate weddings - especially receptions. It's just not my thing. How long should I stay before it is ok to leave? I'm not part of the wedding party.
Also, do Orcs have weddings? If so, how do they differ from human weddings?
- Yamama
Dear Ask The Orcs:
Friday night my friends and I went to a place that my ex-boyfriend works at. Well, he was there, sitting at the bar, off duty, with his back to us. We all sat at a table and started having a great time. My one friend, who tends to get frisky, got pretty schnockered. She proceeded to walk over to my "ex", put her arms on his shoulders and did a dirty dance for him. We left pretty much after that. After we had left I told her that I really didn't appreciate her doing that to him, knowing that I still have strong feelings for him. She's supposed to be a good friend of mine. I said what if I'd done that to her with her ex... her reply was, "You already did." I told her I NEVER did that & never would. She said, "You told me you thought he was hot." I said there was a BIIIIG difference there. Our other friend has told me she thinks my ex is adorable. I take that as a compliment, because I know she'd never dream of crossing that friendship line. I was soooo hurt! I could barely eat yesterday & started crying in the grocery store. I put my basket back & walked out. My friends said she was probably just doing it because she was drunk. I don't care. I would never have done that, drunk or sober.
I'm wondering what your opinion is on this. Should I forgive her? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She's been a very dear friend, and has done so much for me. She's just really put a dent in our friendship. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.
Dear ATOs -
I want to ask you about getting revenge at work. I'm talking mostly about getting back at the jerks who are either habitually late, or constantly call off at the last minute leaving you stuck covering for them. i work in a group home for the elderly that is operated 24 hours a day, 365 days a year - so i'm pretty much screwed if a coworker calls in sick or is late. So how best should i go about getting revenge from the jerks i'm forced to work with?
- Stuck in Emeryville Ca.
Dear A.T.O,
I am a fourteen year old human male and recently an event happened at my school which I don't know if I was justified to do. It all started when for my art class our health and guidance professor kicked in and made up a project for us to do. We had to make a poster that promotes any rights association or foundation of our choice. Because I have two lesbian friends, Hannah and Maggie - one of whom was hospitalized because of a car crash -, I decided to make a gay and lesbian rights poster for her. I finished it and handed it in, and since our class was generally non-homophobic nobody made fun. Except for Ryan, that is.
Ryan decided he'd make some cruel jokes at Hannah's expense involving some toys and various breeds of goat. I ignored him, until the bastard went after Maggie. Normally I'd let Maggie defend herself because she's tough and I wish to avoid the damsel in distress stereotype as much as possible, but I couldn't help my self. He pushed her and she fell down a flight of stairs. He didn't intend for the stairs part, but I guess I just snapped.
I tackled him and beat the fucker's face into a bloody pulp, and got suspended for two weeks from school. He received no punishment.
So I'm sitting at home, and I feel stupid for asking, but was I justified to beat him down? Should I have let Maggie handle it by herself or just done the pussy thing and got help?
Yours truly,
-Confused Justification
P.S. Groptoph is cool shit.
deer orcs,
What is the best gun to kill a Jew?
- HakkerMan78
Dear Orcs:
Has any of you ever had something like this happen... I'm having sex with this really cool guy, but during the whole time he is inside of me he does not look at me. His eyes are closed the WHOLE time. Anyone know what that is about? We have had sex 4 times. Once was at night, in the dark, so I'm not sure if he had his eyes open or not. But the other 3 times was during the day and his eyes were shut the whole time. What gives? I've been with 2 other guys and neither of them did this.
What does it mean?
Is he thinking about someone else?
This bothers me, should it?
Any recommendations?
- Yamama
OK there's this girl in my school right? she's sooo fucking hot. it's crazy she's got to be the hottest girl i've ever seen. (by the way i'm 14, so yeah, 9th grade, :/ ) i've had a thing for her since like 7th grade, thing is she's really really "popular" and me, isn't. I'm not a big nerd or anything, but i'm not the coolest guy in school either. I'm going crazy now i'm like in love with her and don't know what to do. someone help me. I know someones going to tell me it's just young love and stuff but it's different this time! I'm so desperate help me.

- Abby Shaftfut
Holy Orc Church
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from: Abby Shaftfut to: firstborn_church2021@uk.yahoo.com date: Thu, Aug 21, 2008 at 3:06 AM

Dear Abby,
Greetings to you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
I have been admitted in a hospital for operation of my left chick. I had an accident 5 years ago and I almost break the whole of my lower jaw, if you check my photograph carefully you will notice that my left chick is swollen. I begin to feel more pain in my chick after five years of the accident, after seeing my doctor I was told that I need to be operated. I was just discharged from the hospital on the 2nd of October. Thank God that I am feeling fine again. This is the reason I am sending my answers so late.
Thanks and God bless you

1. Dear Concerned Mother,
Your daugther could be turning gay and be pretending, you need to confront her about what you had found out. It is a better idea to let your Priest know about it. Just pray about it and advice your daughter, let her understand better the damages that homosexual could cause her and let her know that homosexual is equally a big sin. God bless.

Dear Sister's Brother,
My advice is that you pray for God rightful intervention. If you open your heart to beg God for wisdom and understanding to sharring your late father's assets I believe that God can do all things and God will also touch the mind of your younger sister and he will cause her to listen to you. You should not be greedy when asking your sister to be more equitable about your father's will, remember that all things work well for they that have trust in God. James 7:5.

Dear Big Sister,
Firstly, try to commit their relationship into the hands of God. Advice your little sister, let her understand that she isjust 18 years and still have better chances of marrying a good and more focus younger person rather than jumping into marrying a man that alraedy has a lot of bad records in his past live and yet is not ready for change from past mistakes and give his life to God. Thanks.

Dear Sophomore,
You and your room mate is already like a united family as long as you both stays together. I advice you to still go back to your roommate and talk to her about how much you dislike her boyfriend's habit, let her know how much you love her and that you hate to quarrel with her, and she should not allow her boyfriend's habit to cause problem for both of you. Thanks and God bless.

Dear Bag Hag,
If you know exactly where to return the bag, please do return it. Do not throw it away and do not donate the stuff to Goodwill because it is not your own. I have never found myself in any such situation for once. Thanks and God bless.

Dear Mr x,
If you know that you really love her and after observing her for three whole years and have found the quality of a good wife in her, then I advice that you marry her, move into her place and stop thinking about having sex with other women. Thanks and God bless.

Dear Trouble and time stricking guy,
Your problem is nothing but laziness. If you continue to stay all day with your girlfriend and failing to attend to your daily activities, believe me, poverty will be the end goal. So I advice that you call your girlfriend make her to understand that you need to be doing somethig to enhance your tomorrow. Staying all day long with your girlfriend does not make you love her so much, how much you cares for her is what matters. Thanks and God bless.

Dear Sad,
Your friend loves you so much, but you just cannot understand because you looks sad and unhappy whenever your friends calls you names, hits or pull your hair, NO, pretend as if you never mind what she says or do to hurt you. I strongly believe that she will stop embarrasing you when she finally found out that she is no longer trilled with her tricks. Thanks and God bless.

Dear Big Brother,
I think the problem your younger sibling is having today is caused by your own parents. He was not decently brought up, he was over pampered and he became narrow-minded, greedy, disrespectful and even steals sometimes. My advice to you is that don't stop loving your brother, talk to your parents about his problem, both of you should join hands to correct his life or else he will turn a prodigal son. look for a Priest to join the family to pray always for him, this is the only alternative to attainning eternal peace in the family. Thanks and God bless.

Dear Losing Serenity,
You are a young female of 22, an American,a recovering alcoholic with2.5 years sobriety and your husband is from Algeria, a born muslim, both of you agreed to become husband and wife because of the love you have for each other and that caused you to convert to Islam. You know that your husband is on the strict side when it comes to marriage and you know that your husband will never like to see you in ank A A club playing scrabble withboth male and females folks. He will not trust you because his tradition does not allow such cultural behaviuoral attitude, but to you it is nothing wrong. The only way you can solve this problem is to show more care and love, try as much as you can to convince him that most time he should follow you to the AA Club, I know it will be so difficult but just try to make him believe you. make him to trust you,let him realize that it was because you love him that make you to marry him and convert to Islam. Let him know that you are not playing games. let himbe around you most time, make him to understand that love does not care about tribal religeous believe or whatever, always pray that God should help you. Thanks and God bless.

Dear Shy Guy,
Your problem is a natural one, it happens to every young person fallen in love for the first time. You are 17 years and very young.You really dont have any problem. I only advice you to let her see you as you really are. stand on your ground to let her know how much you love her, try to know what she likes and what she does not like, that will guide you from making silly mistakes. Be bold and be courageous at all time. I believe it shall be well with you. God bless you.

Digital Dave,
I was a smoker like you before but I droped the habit of smoking long ago. Your wife never liked the habit of smoking since the first day both of you met. She never know how to tell to stop smoking in other not to cause problem that can send her out of her matrimonial home. She now feels it is the right time to tell you now that she is pregnant for you. If you can really quit smoking and live longer as your wife had said it will be really great. You are not right, you can stay till 90 years happilly on earth, then you will be a father, grand father and even great grand father. If you are making wrong decision you can be corrected by someone, especially your wife. Thanks and God bless.

Dear Yamama,
Since you dont like staying long in wedding's receptions, I advice you to leave immediately after presentig whatever gift you have for the couples. Thanks and God bless.

Your friends could be very right, maybe she was drunk and that was why she did what she had done. Right you need to forgive her. Yes you can still trust her, she will still be nice to you if you still show that you care for her.

Just tell her what she did with your ex-guy was bad and that youwill not welcome it next time, but the greatest you have to tell her is I have forgiving you, I love you. Thanks and God bless.

Those jerks makes you not comfortable with your job because they either come late to work or leave before time, leaving you to do much work than necessary and they also make sure that you cover for them. I advice you to let them know that you will not cover for them anymore, if they fail to stop the habit of unseariuosness then report to management so that deciplinary action should be taking against them. but if you are afraid to do this I just advice that you resigned and look for a new job. Thanks.

Confused Justification,
Firstly, I must tell you that you and your school mates at the age of just 14 are too young to be involving yourselves in a sinful acts of lesbianising and homosexual practice. anyway, you said that he did'nt intend to push down Maggie down the stairs, that shows that Ryan did not intensionally push Maggie to fall. Then you fought and beat him up leaving him with bloody pulp in his face. You are not justified by beating him and that was the reason you got a two weeks suspention without him suspended. You should have allow Maggie to handle the issue by herself. Thanks and be richly bless.

Hakkerman 78,
I believe that the best gun to kill a jew is prayer. God bless you.

Dear Yamama,
I have never had something like that happen before. I have no idea why this guy should always close his eyes during sex with you. I think he has his own reason for doing it. I advice that you ask him the meaning of it. Thanks and God bless.

You are really just too young to fall in love with a girl, anyway since you are so desperate and so crazy in love with a girl that is more popular than you are, I advice that you study the girl so carefully, try to understand what she likes and what she dislike, by the time you know these, you can now understand the things to do to make her begin to like you, by this you will equally know how to deviate from those things she dislike. Thanks and God be with you.
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